my testimonial

so here is my testimonial.  i know it is long, but please bear with me.  i felt like i had to give a thorough background so that you would be able to see why my salvation was so life changing and powerful for me.

wow.  where do i even start with a story that i so big and important to me?  i mean, i think my story is awesome and powerful, but its MY story, so of course i do.  my husband, robert, has been a Christian since he was young and ever since i was saved he has been sharing books, videos, scriptures etc with me.  one thing that he recently shared with me was a testimonial that a Baptist pastor had posted online.  he was saying that all testimonials are powerful but some speak to us more than others because what that person has to say might resonate on a more personal level to us.  we might have been in that persons shoes at one point in our lives and realize that, hey, if this person has found Christ maybe i can too.  but the most awesome thing that i think this pastor said is that all testimonials are essentially the same because, no matter how that person found God, they all end in the same five words.... "and then i was saved."  and my story is no different.



i was raised in a Christian family.  we went to church on sunday, went to sunday school, prayed before meals, celebrated Christmas... all of it.  as a child i remember thinking that this Jesus guy seemed like a pretty cool dude.  He was nice to everyone. He helped the poor and the sick.  i realized from a very early age that He was a person that we all should try to emulate.

fast forward a few years to when i was in junior high.  my parents decided to switch churches and about this time i was at the age where i was supposed to start taking classes to be confirmed.  i was in a new church with kids that i didnt know, that i didnt go to school with, who i didnt want anything to do with, and kids who at that age really didnt want anything to do with a new kid like me.

i came to my parents and told them that i wasnt comfortable in our new church and that i did not want to take part in the confirmation classes.  ok, not only that, but i also told them that i actually didnt even want to go to church anymore.  out of love, and doing what they thought was best, my parents made me go through the classes and continue coming to church with the family.  the more they insisted i go, the more i dug my feet in and said no.  (if you get to know me, you will come to find out that i can be as stubborn as they come.  this will information will come into play later in this story too.)  God bless my parents because i know i must have been a nightmare to put up with on sunday mornings.

so here i was coming into these classes with an angry attitude, and with that attitude my mind was completely closed to the whole message that my teachers were trying to get across.  the message of salvation.  i made it through those classes, and swore up and down that when i was old enough i would  never go to church again if i didnt want to.

when i got to high school a lot of my friends started participating in a youth program at a church in my neighborhood.  this church had an amazing youth program.  they were very involved in the community... did mission trips... the whole nine.  after much persistence one of my friends finally convinced me to come on a mission trip the summer after my freshman year.  i went, and i found that helping people was an amazing experience.  but at night, when the youth pastor would speak, or a friend would witness, in the back of my head i was thinking... yeah yeah, this Christianity stuff is all well and good for these people, but you know what?  im not really buying it.   i could not wrap my mind around how these people could believe that some invisible guy in the sky was running things.  but i kept that to myself and played along like i was the good Christian kid... sang the songs... went to bible study... and i actually became really involved with the youth program.  i went on four or five mission trips and did countless hours of community service with them... and i loved every second of it.  but all the while i was not saved.  well, not only was i not saved, but in the bottom of my heart i really didnt even believe that there was a God. 

when i got to college i really used it to try and discover who i was.  i broke away from almost all of the people i went to high school with and i made a whole new set of friends.  its funny how, when you are just getting to know someone, it can be easier to tell them something that you would never tell someone that you have known forever.  i was talking to one of my new college friends one night when the subject of religion came up and i said... you know what?  i dont really believe in all of that.  when he told me that he didnt either i was shocked because i had never met anyone else who was an atheist.   we quickly became friends and i was sort of absorbed into his group of friends, most of whom were atheists as well.   couple this with the fact that at the college level i was having professors of philosophy... science... psychology... telling me that religion was just a social construct... something people long ago had made up to justify our existence... lets just say that all of that put together gave me a powerful justification for my belief. (or non belief depending on how you look at it.)

i want to take a second to say that i wasnt an antagonistic atheist.  i never went out and tried to convince people that God didnt exist.  none of my friends did.  we didnt sit around and talk about how silly all these religious people were... we just didnt believe in Him and that was it.   i know that it may sound like i am trying to make myself look better, or whatever, but i just wanted to put that out there because i think that a lot of Christians believe that ALL atheists are that way, and that is not the case.  most atheists, or at least the ones that i know, are good people....sweet and caring... people who would give you the shirt off of their back if you asked for it.  in fact most of them are just people who have never had anyone that was able to lead them to Christ in an apologetic way.   in a way that says look at these facts... this scripture is proven to be historically true... this is why i believe what i believe and these are the facts that back up my belief.  but i digress...
 
i met my future husband when i was 22.  i knew that he was a Christian and he knew that i was a non believer, but we loved each other, and were married despite that.  we had two beautiful children that are just the lights of my life.  when they were old enough we enrolled them at the mothers day out at Gateway Baptist.  little did i know at that time that this choice of preschools would start the ball rolling for me to make one of the biggest life decisions that i have ever made.

after the kids had been in school for a little while a teaching position opened up in the two year old class.  the job seemed to be a perfect fit for me because i could work the same hours that my kids were in school and the paycheck would help take some of the financial burden off of my husband.  plus my degree is in elementary education and i had always loved working with children.  i jumped at the chance to work there and i absolutely love my job.  it never really seemed strange to me that i was an atheist working in a church because i never wore my atheism as a badge.  i had no problem teaching these kids about God and Jesus because i knew that it was such a positive message.

my son was four when he started asking us to bring him to church on sunday.  looking back i realize that this little man was craving (if not The Word) the fellowship that comes with being in a church family that i would come to crave as a baby Christian.  it makes me smile to see Gods little brushstrokes, and to know that He put this little angel in my life to help lead me to Him.  as per my sons request we started going to different churches in the area trying to find the one that would feel like home, but we always ended up back at Gateway.  after a time we started attending sunday services on a regular basis and i actually enjoyed hearing the sermons that Pastor Rick was preaching.  i didnt know about all the God stuff, but i thought that at the very least i would end my week with a positive message. soon robert asked me if i wanted to make it official and join the church.  i told him that it was fine with me and after service one sunday we made our way to the coffee shop to talk to someone about what it would take to become members.


Gods will is just so amazing to me because as He had planned Pastor David was the person waiting in the coffee shop to greet us that morning.  he began talking to robert and i about what it would take to join the church and right off the bat i saw the fire that this man had.  i remember talking to him and in the back of my head i was wondering what it was that made him so happy and so excited to share the word.  those of you who know david know that you only have to spend a few seconds with him to see exactly what i am talking about.

david told us that since we had never been members of a baptist church we would need to be baptized.  i remember robert kind of looking at me and asking without words if i was ok with that.  i nodded to him that i was fine with it, i mean, after all it was just a matter of standing up in front of the church and getting dunked in a tank of water right?   so we signed up for the next "just add water" class that david would be teaching.

the class was on a wednesday night a couple of weeks later, and i remember being nervous that this pastor was going to be able to see right through me and know that i wasnt buying what he was selling.  learning about immersion baptism was interesting for me though.  i thought the symbolism behind it was pretty cool, but about half way through this class i remember having this pressure start to bear down on my heart.  i got very quiet and i thought to myself... i am such a fraud if i go through with this.  i completely shut down and didnt say much of anything after that.  when we got home robert asked me what was wrong and i explained to him that i just didnt think that i could go through with it considering that i not only wasnt saved, but that i was a non believer.  he told me that i should talk to david about it at work the next day.

i went to sleep that night with a heavy heart and woke up the next morning feeling absolutely terrible.  i went in to work and looked for david but someone told me that he was not in.  i called up to the church when i got home so that i could leave him a voice mail asking him to call me back.  i didnt hear from him that evening or the next morning.  finally i called back up to the church friday around lunch and someone told me that he was on vacation and wouldnt be back until sunday morning.  when i heard this my heart sank.  i just didnt know what to do because i was supposed to be baptized that sunday, and i remember thinking... why is this causing me so much distress?  i had been in and out of tears all day and i felt like a crazy person.  it was only a matter of me talking to him and explaining that i felt this pulling to be at the church, but i didnt think i was ready to baptized, or saved for that matter.  why was this so agonizing for me?

i had been in touch with my husband all day letting him know what was going on and he finally asked me why i didnt just send him an email.  so i sat down and wrote him this.  within an hour i got an email back from david letting me know that the Holy Spirit had told him that i was not saved and that he would call me later that evening so we could talk.

my heart was lifted at that point and i thought... all of this distress would be over soon.  robert took the kids out that evening so that the house would be empty and i could have some time to myself to talk to david about my feelings.  i was on pins and needles waiting for that call.  the second that the phone rang the tears started to flow again.  david asked me what was going on and what my concerns were.  i told him that in my heart i felt this pulling but my head told me no.  he kind of gave a little chuckle and i remember thinking... who IS this guy laughing at me when i am obviously in a lot of pain over this... then, as david does, he started to quote some scripture and explain to me what it meant to accept Christ as my savior.  all the while this pressure on my heart and soul was getting stronger and stronger and the tears were flowing harder and harder.  intellectually i understood what he was telling me... i had heard it a thousand times before.... i knew what it meant to be saved.

finally i asked him... why am i in so much pain over this?  this should be such a simple decision... either i believe, or i dont.  and i will never forget his answer.  he told me that as a person, as a mother, i was used to trying to be in control of my life.  i was used to thinking... ive got this... i can handle this.... the pain was me fighting God to let go of that control that i thought i had over my life...and the pressure was God putting his finger on me telling me to give Him that control. (i told you i was stubborn.  i even fought God.)

the second he told me that, something in me clicked and i knew david was right.  i had fought for so long to try and live a good life... to be a good person... to feel complete... but i now knew that without Him in my life none of those things would be possible.  next, david asked if i was ready to accept Jesus as my savior.  he prayed that blessed prayer of salvation... and in tears... i repeated it... now here come those five words that i talked about in the beginning of my testimony.

and then i was saved.

it was so beautiful... and powerful... and amazing... and the second that i asked for it, the pain... the tears... the confusion... were gone.  i knew that from that second forward my life would be different.  i knew that i was going to live my life for Christ.  i was saved on november 5th 2010, and what a ride it has been so far.  in only a month i have seen and heard things that can only be attributed to God.

and now i know why david laughed a little at me when he saw me fighting God.  it was something that i never could have understood until after i was saved.  he was laughing at me because he knew what i was fighting against.  i now know he was thinking... if she only knew the beauty... and grace... and the power of what she is fighting so hard to deny, she would let it all go this second and her pain would be over... only to be replaced with love and light.  i cant wait until the day that i get to help lead  someone, who is fighting giving their life over to Christ, to salvation ... because i know that i will be the one that gets to give a little chuckle and think.... if you only knew... if you only knew.