the next morning

this is a response to an email that David sent the morning after i was saved (the day before i was to be baptized)  asking how i was doing....



david

thank you so much for checking up.  i am doing well. and you were right,  robert was very excited when he got home last night.  :)  he said he had been praying for it for a long time.  i told him that i think i really needed to come to it on my own. 

i know you dont know much about me,  but  *short edit at my discretion*    i rebelled against religion it until i got to high school and became really involved with the youth group at the church in my neighborhood.  i think that led me away from organized religion because of all the hypocrisy that i saw.  it made me sick.  when i got to college i found a group of friends that for the first time in my life fully understood what i felt.  being an atheist (though i hate that term) was actually accepted and i felt a sense of belonging for the first time.  i knew i was a good person, and that was all that mattered to me. 

i guess my point is that i never wanted to feel pushed into something i was not ready for.  i wanted it to be organic in the way that it happened, and i really feel that it was.  even though it was organic, it was still very painful for me.  you described it just right last night when you said that it was a pressure bearing down on me... on my body... on my mind... on my soul... i was fighting against letting go.  i cried like a baby after we got off the phone and then i just asked God to hold me like a child.  the second i did that i felt that pressure lift.  i felt comforted.  i felt His hand on my head and a great calm came over me.  i knew it was right.  i knew it was real.

wow, i know you didnt ask for all that, but it just kinda poured out of my head onto my screen.  maybe i just wanted to try and explain why it was so powerful for me last night.  i dont know.... anyway, to answer your question, i am doing well.  i feel very drained.  empty almost.  light might be a better word actually.  almost childlike if that makes any sense.  robert and i are going to look for a new bible for me this afternoon.  too many bad memories in my old one i think.  i am super excited about tomorrow!  i really cant wait.  still a lot of questions, but i know with time they will be answered.  thanks again for all your help.  just having someone to walk me through it was really nice. 

see you tomorrow-

a