angels...demons... and visions

hello all!


i know its been awhile, but since my last post i have had some huge things going on... huge.  wow...wow... wow...my head is just spinning right now because God has been moving so powerfully in my life lately.  i feel like i just have so much to say and i dont even know where to start... all the stories that i am about to tell you are so interwoven that it would be impossible for me to tell them in any type of linear fashion... so im sorry in advance if this blog seems a little disjointed, but i promise i will try my hardest to tie it all together by the end.



when i last posted i was kind of feeling down about my faith...  i was frustrated because i had been on such a high after i was saved, and then all of a sudden it was like i didnt feel anything... i was upset and even a little bit angry over it... i was confused about the swings i was having in my faith... after i posted my last blog one of my sweet friends from high school sent me an email telling me to just relax and that it would all come to me.  she told me that i need to be like paul and just get on my knees and worship Him with out abandon like he did.   i wrote her back letting her know that i was reading The Word and spending time with God... that i was doing better and that my walk was getting stronger...little did i know that her words would come back to me and give me back that spiritual high i was missing.

so after i posted my last blog i was talking to God a lot.  a whole lot.  one afternoon at school i went upstairs to talk to him all by myself and i basically told him ..."i need something here man... i dont know what it is... but youve got to give me something." ...when i came back downstairs i had a conversation with pastor dave about what i was going through, and he basically told me that i needed to focus on my personal, intimate, relationship with The Almighty... and in my head i was thinking... i do have a personal relationship with Him... i pray... i talk to Him...i was just upstairs talking to Him... why isnt this clicking?

well, the next day i was praying the same way i always do when my mind kind of went blank and instead of talking to Him, i was talking with Him.  i was having a full on back and forth conversation with Him which had never happened to me before.... and the second i thought to myself... wait a second... whats happening here... it was over.  i kind of came to and had tears rolling down my face when i hadnt even realized that i had been crying.  holy cow.  i thought being saved had been powerful... this was a hundred times more so.  the words He spoke to me were so calming and amazing, and i know that what he told me in that brief exchange is going to change my life.  i now understood a little bit more about what dave was saying about having a personal relationship with God... but He didnt stop there!

several nights later something else happened....i was laying in bed talking with God when i got another strange feeling.  my eyes were closed and every once and awhile i would get these little flashes of bright white light... i could feel it in my whole body... almost like little jolts of electricity... i knew He was ready to give me something big....huge actually... i didnt know what it was exactly, but i had a very very strong feeling that it was going to be a vision.  (which, trust me, i thought sounded crazy at the time... but we will get back to that point) as this was happening i realized that a vision was exactly what i had been asking God for when i told him that he needed to give me something.... every time i got one of those jolts (and it happened several times) i would get scared and nothing would come.  i would tell Him that i wasnt ready, and He would tell me that i was... but i kept fighting Him over it until i eventually fell asleep.

heres where things are going to get a little out of order.... i have to take you back to Christmas for you to understand how all of this ties together in the end... in robert and my sunday school class last month we were discussing the Christmas story.  we were talking about the shepherds that were approached by the angels that announced His birth and what it must have been like to see tens of thousands of them at once.  as a class we were talking about how cool it would be to have a pair of glasses that would let us see all of the angels that God has surrounding us... protecting us.  one person said that they wished they could have a pair of glasses that would let them see that... but then someone else brought up the fact that if we did have those glasses we would probably be freaked out by all the demons that also surround us.  this man was saying that the angels and demons are always doing battle around us.... trying to gain control over us.  and in my head i was like....demons? really?  i dont know about all of that... but then he said that if you believe in one you have to believe in the other... and i thought to myself... oh man... hes right!

so that conversation really piqued my curiosity about angels and demons... i wanted to know how i could tell if a demon was around me... i wanted to know just how worried about them i should be.... i felt God tell me that it was ok to look a little.... but i knew he didnt want me to dig too deep.  so poked around on the internet to see what i could find....but i never went against Gods will...if i found something that was going to be too much for me, God let me know, and i moved on to another page or site... but i never could find anything that gave me an exact answer to what i was looking for...

so fast forward to last week.  i was sitting in church last wednesday when something came to mind that i knew i had to repent for. something big.... really big.  i have made a lot of bad decisions in my life... ill be the first to admit it...  sitting in that pew that night a couple of decisions that i made years ago popped into my head that i knew i needed to ask forgiveness for.....actually they were probably the worst two decisions that i had ever made...and so i did ask Him for forgiveness... while we were all standing up singing i bowed my head and from the bottom of my heart asked God to forgive me for those decisions i had made... and it felt good.  intellectually i understood that because i had genuinely repented, God had forgiven me.  i accepted that and listened to the rest of the service... well... The Almighty really must have wanted me to know how completely he had forgiven me because at the end of that service he gave me that vision i had been asking Him for.

you see, at the end of a service in our church there is a song and anyone who wants to come up front to pray at the altar can do so... well usually i just bow my head and pray in my pew while everyone else sings.  so i was standing there praying when i got a flash of a picture in my head that almost brought me to my knees.  i have no doubt that that picture was from God... and i have no doubt that that picture was God telling me that he forgave me for those bad decisions i had made.... it was God showing me just how perfect His grace is... over the next few days i realized that His forgiveness wasnt all that He was giving me in that vision.... like always, there was something else in His message that night that took me a couple of days to figure out... yes, He was telling me that He forgave me...but He was also letting me know that if He could forgive me so perfectly for the worst thing i have ever done.... He could forgive me for anything.... He was inviting me to lay it all on Him... to give Him all of my pain and guilt... and He was telling me that He would take it from me.... God is so awesome.

of course i had been keeping robert in the loop during all of this... i had told him about laying in bed that night feeling like God was going to give me a vision... so the day after God gave me the vision i told him what had happened.... but as i was sitting there telling him about what i had seen... this horrible wave of guilt hit me like a ton of bricks.  i knew beyond a shadow of doubt that i was forgiven... but i was confused because the guilt of those decisions... guilt i had never had until that night in service... was so overwhelming.  i couldnt understand why i would feel so bad about those decisions when i knew that He had forgiven me.... and that guilt carried over to the next day as well.  in fact it was so bad that i knew an email to dave wasnt going to cut it this time.... this required a conference.

i walked into his office the next morning with my head hanging low and still feeling horrible.  i tried to explain to him as best i could what was going on and he looked up at me and said... its probably demonic.  i wish i had a video of my face when he said that because my eyes must have gotten as big a saucers.  in my head i was thinking... how could you say that so lightly?!?!... DEMONIC?!?!  ... this is exactly what i have been worried about!!!  there is at least one demon trying to get to me... i dont know what to do with that... i am totally not prepared for this!!!

but of course God spoke to me through dave over the next half an hour or so.... he asked me if i had been memorizing any scripture and i told him that i had a little, but that i was really at the point of just trying to read and absorb as much of it as i could.  he told me that if anything really jumped out at me while i was reading the word, i should grab on to that and memorize it.  he said that demons hate Gods word... that they are repelled by it... and he quoted scripture after scripture to back that claim up.... the more he talked about it the calmer i got... and eventually he even got me to crack a little smile there in his office.  then he looked at me... smiled... and said... see, ive been quoting scripture after scripture and that demon is backing down now.... that totally blew my mind, because i thought he had only been quoting it to me to try and justify his claim about what what the scripture says about casting out demons..  (try and wrap your mind around that one... it took me awhile.)  ;)

then dave prayed over me.... and let me tell you... when dave prays he doesnt joke around... he full on worships God.  yes, he asks God for what he needs, but he praises Him first... you can feel his love of God radiating out of him... its awesome really.  needless to say, i left his office in much better spirits.  literally and figuratively.  :)

this morning i woke up and was so ready to start looking up scripture to memorize so that i would have some ammo against those demons around me.  but first something made me think about the email my friend had sent me.... about how i needed to worship God like paul did... i was wondering just how to do that when i thought about how pastor dave had prayed for me.  so i did what he did... i literally said...  God i just come to you in praise and in worship this morning.... i bow down before you and lift your name on high... i love you with all of my heart, and i just ask that you can show me the scriptures that i need to repel these demons away from me.... and holy cow... did He.

i googled almost the exact same things that i had before when i had been curious about demons around Christmas... but this time, i found exactly what i was looking for.  not only did i find a site that i hadnt run across before that totally gave me the information that i wanted... but i also came across the same verse on three different pages.... on two totally different websites.  do you think God was trying to tell me something?  i think i have found my verse.  :)

not only that... but i have seen Him moving around me today in ways that just make me so excited.  yesterday the Holy Spirit moved me to talk to my parents about reading more of the word and how that will help them have a closer walk with Him... i was telling them about pastor rick gave a sermon on how if you make spending time with God/spending time in The Word a priority... God will give you enough time in the day to fit in everything else that you need to do.  i left a devotional book with her last night and when the Holy Spirit moved me today i texted her to see if she had read any of it yet... she texted back YELLING at me in excitement that she had just finished reading todays devotional when my text came through.

one of my closest friends came in from out of town yesterday for a doctors visit.  several months ago she lost the vision in one of her eyes... the doctors told her that she might be permanently blind in that eye.... but yesterday her doctor told her that he was seeing major improvements.  i texted her today telling her we had a great time with her... and she texted back saying that she is just starting her walk with God too... and i just cried when i read it because i had been praying for her to crave a closer walk with Him...


so heres where i start to tie all of this together for you.  i know that this has been a long post, but i promise i have something to say.... God has really been leaning on me lately to use my blog to reach out to people who arent saved.  now im sure you are wondering if talking about repentance, visions, angels and demons is the way to go about that.  i mean... it freaks me out a little to think about all of that... but hear me out.... we all come from different religious backgrounds and upbringings... some of you have no religious background at all... my background surely didnt involve talking about any of these things happening to people in modern times... in the bible... sure... but now?  well... let me tell you this.  God is the same now as he has always been... He never changes.... His love for us never changes or wavers....He has a plan for all of us... and that plan is perfect... and if all of those things happened in the bible... they can happen now.

as an atheist i never wanted to believe any of that.  i am the last person in the world that would have ever thought that i would be having visions or be trying to cast away demons.  if you would have told me three months ago that this was going to happen i would have looked you dead in the eye and called you stone cold crazy.  but it happens... it happened to me.... and it proves to me that God is very alive... He is very real...He is waiting for you to accept Him so that He can love on you more than He already does.  if you do that... when you do that... you will see Him working on you in so many different ways.   

the point of my post this evening isnt about the vision, or the demons, or the angels... you see, i didnt tell all of that to the non-believers reading this to try and scare you into accepting Christ as your savior.  the point is that from my last post until now... i have had so many people tell me that i need to worship God... that i need to spend more time with Him... that i need to love Him with my everything.   im telling you this because today i realized that He knew all of this was going to happen to me.  He knew that the doubt, the swings in my faith, the email from my friend, the vision... all of it.... was going to be so cyclic.... so perfect... that it would force me to get down on my knees this morning and say ... i worship you... and the second i did that He showed me that He had always been moving around me.  even when i, as a believer,  didnt feel it.... and He is moving around you too.  He is waiting for you to get down on your knees and say... i worship you....and i promise you that if you do that He will show you that He has been with you all along,