dave-
hey! i know we just talked earlier today, but sometimes it seems like i walk away from our conversations with more questions than i started with.... especially when the kids are around. ;)
anyway... i was writing because i guess i didnt really explain myself very well this morning. yes, i feel kind of let down after the whole Christmas experience.... which is fine... i can deal with that... but its more than that ...i am so full of doubt right now, and that makes me feel horrible. i dont know how else to describe it other than i feel just empty... like there is nothing there. im just frustrated because i dont understand how this could happen... i was on such a high for the past two months... and now this? i mean, yes, i had moments of doubt over the past two months, but i was always able to push those out of my head. out of my heart.
all i know to do is to pray for faith, but even when i do that, in the back of my head i am thinking... this is just so not right for me... and that just makes me feel worse. i just dont understand how i felt everything so strongly earlier.... how i was so sure... how every word i wrote on my blog was so true.... and now... nothing.... and it is breaking my heart, because i want it...i want my faith back dave, and i dont know how get it back... because i dont know where it went. its just like i told you in my first email... i feel this tiny tiny flame in my heart...this pulling... but right now my head is telling me no... not just no, but an antagonistic NO!
and to top it all off i feel horrible because of all the people who have been reading my blog. i know one of the reasons that you wanted me to start it is because you wanted me to have a place to ask these questions. but i feel like if i put THIS out there i will be letting everyone down.... that they will all think i am a phony... or that the whole thing was just a fraud when it wasnt... i havent posted anything since Christmas eve, and i feel a huge pressure to put something up there....but what do i write? i dont know.... i just dont know...
i just dont know what to do. robert is trying to help... he says i have to search for it... to read the word... but every time i start to open my bible... the tears come... and i just cant. i just dont understand why everything in this process has been such an extreme swing one way or the other for me....sometimes i feel like the reason everything is so powerful for me because God has some huge plans for my life... but sometimes it just makes me feel bipolar.
i know you are super busy. no need to write back. we can talk on sunday. i just felt like i had to write all of this out for you because there always seems to be so much going on when we talk... and i just wanted to make sure that i could express exactly what i was feeling...besides... you of all people know i am more comfortable writing. :) plus, it seems like sometimes when i write the answers come to me on their own.
anyway, thanks for listening.
a
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